Wednesday, April 13, 2005

A Call for Support

I blame the Democrats for my problems. There is a vast left-wing conspiracy out to get me. This is the same vast left-wing conspiracy that wants to teach your children that humans evolved from monkeys. They want to take God out of our schools forever! They desire to kill baby Jesus and sacrifice your children in the name of Satan.

I want to thank Senator Trent Lott for supporting me. His racism has always been an inspiration to me. When he said that the power of prayer is the only thing that could sustain me, it brought a tear to my eye. The last thing that brought a tear to Tommy Boy's eye was the sight of Jeff Gannon's eight inches.

I urge all Republicans to stand by me or else face the wrath of John Negroponte's death squads.

Oh, and Fuck the Judges!

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Contract with America Redux

As House Majority Leader I have updated the Contract with America for the 21st century. Here ya go bitches!

As Republican hustla of tha hizouse of representatizzles n as citizens seek'n ta join tizzy body we propose not jizzy ta change its policies, but even more important, ta restore tha bonds of trizzust between tha thugz n they elected representatizzles. thizzay be wizzy in this era of official evasion n ridin' we offa instead a detailed agenda fo` national renewal, a written commitment wit no fine print.

This year offas tha chance, bitch four decades of one-party control, ta bring ta tha hizouse a new majority tizzle will transform tha way congress works. that historic change would be tha end of government thizzay be too big, too intrusive, n too eazy wit tha publics money. it can be tha beginn'n of a congress that respects tha values n shares tha faith of tha american family.

Like Lincoln, our fizzirst Republizzle president, we intend ta act "wit firmness in tha right, as God gives us ta see tha right." To restore accountability ta Congress . know what im sayin?. To end its cycle of scandal n disgrace. To makes us all proud again of tha way free thugz govern themselves.

Friday, April 08, 2005

My 58th Birthday!

Today is my birthday. I am 58 years old. I can't believe that I have been around this long. I still feel like a young boy at times, especially when I play in the hot tub with my friends. My friends RJ Reynolds, the Indian Casinos and those other guys who paid for all of my wonderful family trips. Keep the cash comin' boys if you want your legislation passed!

For my birthday the family and I went to Chuckie Cheese's. I loved playing in the colored balls and ate a whole pizza by myself. I got my picture taken with Chuckie the Mouse and won about 100 tickets! Yay!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Hillary in 2008?


Not if I can help it! I won't let that contemptable hairpie foil my plans for world domination. She lets Saddam and Osama give it to her doggy-style. I will not let America come to that. The only person that Osama is allowed to fuck is President Bush goddammit!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

My Previous Line of Work


Hello friends and constituents! Did you know that before I joined Congress to represent the 22nd district of Texas I was an exterminator? That's right! I have loads of experience squashing bugs. I am going to apply that experience to squash the judiciary. I originally joined Congress so that I could repeal the laws which limited me from using dangerous poisons on children. There's nothing better than testing bug spray on children. I sure hope that the EPA goes through with their plans to spray kids in Florida!

My plans to reign in the liberal judges involves lots of bug spray. You must be careful and use it wisely or else you will blow up your entire house like this moron.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Judicial Tyrants

These judges think they run the show? Well they are DEAD WRONG. Tom DeLay runs the show in this shiznit. He can fo-shizzle his way out of anything!

We must take the battle to the enemy--mainly, the liberal media and the out of control judges. I have been living for and working for this my entire career. To have a Senate that can pass legislation and the incredible moral leadership of the President matched up with the House is a dream come true. We are now in a position to spread the basic tenets of the Republican agenda: Security, prosperity and family.

Security without strong economy is impossible and we want to double the economy in the next 10 years. I favor a national sales tax in place of the existing income tax. Then, we will become a tax haven for the world.

Supporting marriage as between man and a woman is how you control families. Fighting pornography is another. Fighting back judicial activism is the next. We have unaccountable, out of control judiciary. We are after them. We will crush them.

The Constitution gives us the responsibility to create our own courts. If we can create them, we can uncreate them. Nobody is asking the President to do anything illegal. We simply want to impeach the liberal judges and replace them with judges who have been firmly indoctrinated by my Christo-Fascist Zombie Brigade.

Justice is coming...Texas style (with a rope).

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Having Fun in the House!


That's me with Uncle Dick laughing about how we fucked the little people with our huge corporate tax cuts. I just love making pro-business legislation!

My Speech to the Christo-Fascist Zombie Brigade on Using Terri Schiavo for Political Gain

I have re-printed my speech in full. It is a sad day for America that Terri Schiavo died so soon. I was hoping she would stay alive longer so people wouldn't find out about my ethics problems. Oh well, I did make a deal with Satan and he promised that I won't have to resign from Congress even if I get in trouble.

This is critically important. I know you know that. It is more than Terri Schiavo. This is a critical issue for people in this position. And it is also a critical issue to fight the fight for life, whether it be euthanasia or abortion. And I tell you, ladies and gentleman, one thing that God has brought to us is Terri Schiavo, to elevate the visibility of what's going on in America. That Americans would be so barbaric as to pull a feeding tube out of a person that is lucid and starve them to death for two weeks. I mean, in America that's going to happen if we don't win this fight. And so it's bigger than any one of us, and we have to do everything that is in our power to save Terri Schiavo and anyone else that is in this kind of position.

And let me just finish with this. This is exactly the issue that is going on in America, of attacks against the conservative movement. Against me and against many others. The point is the other side has figured out how to win and defeat the conservative movement. And that is to go after people personally, charge them with frivolous charges, link that up with all these do-gooder organizations funded by George Soros and then get the national media on their side.

That whole syndicate that they have going on right now is for one purpose and one purpose only and that's to destroy the conservative movement. It's to destroy conservative leaders, not just in elected office but leading, I mean Ed Feulner today, at the Heritage Foundation, was under attack in the National Journal. I mean this is a huge nationwide concerted effort to destroy everything we believe in, and you need to look at this and what's going on and participate in fighting back.

You know one way they stopped churches from getting into politics was Lyndon Johnson who passed a law that said you couldn't get into politics or your gonna loose your tax exempt status because they were all opposed to him when he was running for president. That law we're trying to repeal, it's very difficult to do that, but the point is that when they can knock out a leader, then no other leader will step forward for a while, because they don't want to go through the same thing.

If they go after and get a pastor, then other pastors shrink from what they should be doing. It forces Christians back into the church and that's what's going on in America. The world is too bad, I'm gonna go get inside this building and I'm not gonna play in the world. That's not what Christ asked us to do. And so -- they understand that. It is a political maneuver and they are going to try to destroy the conservative movement and we have to fight back.

So, please, this afternoon, each and every one of you, if you know a senator, give them a call to get them to vote for the bill...

Friday, April 01, 2005

The Passion of Terri


These are some of the passionate protestors who came out to support Terri Schiavo by sporting Nazi flags, doing the goose-step march and holding signs that said "The Bush Brothers are Murderers". What sign is that fat kid holding up in the middle of the image?

Welcome to My Blog!

I am currently the victim of a vast left-wing conspiracy. I am asking the members of the blogosphere to aid me in my war against the judiciary and my left-wing opponents. Their goal is to destroy my career. They are evil cowards and bloodthirsty atheists. My armies of conservative Christian followers will stop at nothing to smash this left-wing conspiracy with my hammer of justice. Join me friends in the hot tub of uber-conservatism! Tom DeLay is here to stay! Boo-yah bitches!

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